The Bottom 40: #1

1. Fergie, Big Girls Don’t Cry (2007, #1)

The thing about drecky ballads is that a lot of people like them.  No matter how bad they are, they are going to be popular.  As every rock band and pop diva ever can tell you, an increase in schmaltz leads proportionately to an increase in radio play.  And ballads don’t go away, either; no matter how monstrously bad they are, adult contemporary radio picks up on them and then they’re around for years and years, ready to pounce the next time you go to the dentist or run to Walgreen’s.

Fergie’s Big Girls Don’t Cry may never die, unfortunately.  It was the single most-played song of 2007 on American radio.  And according to ARC, the semi-official chart that monitors airplay, it’s the third-biggest single of the decade.  It hit #1 in Australia, Brazil, Canada, France, Ireland, New Zealand and Norway, and hit the top ten pretty much everywhere else.

The Bottom 40: #2

[Sorry for the gap in posting.]

2. Kanye West, Gold Digger (2005, 10 weeks at #1)

Where to begin, where to begin…

Okay, so. Some background: I hated Kanye West from day one, or at least from day one as a performer. Without knowing his name, I admired the Jackson Five sample in Jay-Z’s Izzo (H.O.V.A.) for its sheer clunkiness, with that little bit of Michael sneaking in every few seconds. And ‘03 Bonnie and Clyde is a good song, too.

But West’s seemingly out-of-the-blue emergence as a performer was really annoying. Through The Wire, a song recorded while West’s mouth was literally wired shut, made for an interesting story, but it’s still a horrible song, and I resent that it launched a deluge of crappy hip-hop songs with sped-up samples of songs that were pretty terrible to begin with.

The Pop Chart – November 8, 2009

Listen to an archive of the show here.

Rank. Artist, Title (Last Week, Peak Position, Weeks On Chart)

1. Amerie, Heard ‘Em All (5, 1, 7)
2. Alphabeat, The Spell (1, 1, 7)
3. O.Children, Dead Disco Dancer (3, 3, 6)
4. Richard Hawley, For Your Lover Give Some Time (8, 4, 5)
5. Moby, Mistake (2, 1, 8)
6. Hope Sandoval and the Warm Inventions, Blanchard (3, 3, 8)
7. Britney Spears, 3 (10, 7, 6)
8. Jordin Sparks, SOS (Let The Music Play) (14, 8, 6)
9. Ellie Goulding, Under The Sheets (NEW) GREATEST GAIN
10. Shakira, Did It Again (18, 10, 3)

The Bottom 40: #3

3. Eminem, Superman

I blame George W Bush.  At least, I blame his opportunistic framing of September 11 into a battle of good and evil.  How else can you explain the abundance of terrible Superman metaphors that kept popping up this decade?   Sure, 3 Doors Down released Kryptonite two months before Bush was even elected handed the presidency, but 9/11 paved the way for Five For Fighting’s kinda charming yet ultimately very wimpy Superman (It’s Not Easy).  And about the same time that puddle of goop hit radio, tedious drama Smallville started on the WB.  By 2007 it seemed only natural that Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em should appear to turn Superman into a verb.

Eminem, as he constantly reminds us in this terrible 2003 single, is not Superman.  He’s just a man.  But he’s not just any man.  No, Marshall/Slim reminds us yet again that he is a uniquely condescending, childish, abusive asshole. And apparently we’re supposed to care.

The Bottom 40: #4

4. Sheryl Crow, Soak Up The Sun

You know what song is really terrible?  Get On Your Feet, the second single from Gloria Estefan’s 1989 album Cuts Both Ways.  I hate that song.  Theoretically inspirational but only in the vaguest possible sense, Estefan’s performance is so forced and joyless that the song might as well be call Oh Just Die Already, See What I Care.

Sheryl Crow’s complete lack of enthusiasm in Soak Up The Sun reminds me a lot of Get On Your Feet.  It is painful to listen to.  When Crow says she’s gonna tell everyone to lighten up, she sounds like a hostage reading cue cards at gunpoint.

The Bottom 40: #5

5. Nickelback, Rock Star

There’s some intense cynicism at work in Nickelback’s 2006 ode to fame, though the earnest yet wildly popular Canadians are so humorless that it’s unclear how much of their hatred is intentional.

Despite all reason, Nickelback became big rock stars in the fall of 2001 when How You Remind Me bulldozed its way onto radio. By the time Rock Star was released in late 2006, the group already had twelve other hits, nearly half of which had topped the dreadful Mainstream Rock Chart.

The Bottom 40 (Part 4)

[We edge closer to the top.  I meant to finish this godforsaken list tonight, but I'm leaving for New York Thursday morning and do not have a single clean garment in the house.  So, laundry night with no wireless it is...]

The Bottom 40

Every single week I find a handful new pop songs that both excite and delight my ears. But for every new song I like, there’s unfortunately at least three that I don’t, and some of those stinkers become quite popular and really very annoying over time. Here’s my list of the forty worst offenders of the decade. So as not to drive myself too crazy, I restricted the list to songs that made the top 40 on Billboard’s Hot 100 (which is not the same as the airplay chart, but which is much easier to find by lazily browsing Wikipedia.)

Some artists have spent much of the decade annoying me, and each new release makes me want to throw my hands up in despair. Or just throw up. Yet I restrained myself, limiting the list to one song per artist. Because really, is there any point in weighing the cons and cons of each 3 Doors Down hit? No.

I spread my choices out over a bunch of posts. Click on the titles to be linked to my ranting.

40. Lonestar, I’m Already There
39. Gym Class Heroes feat. Patrick Stump, Cupid’s Chokehold
38. The Calling, Wherever You Will Go
37. Carrie Underwood, Inside Your Heaven
36. Sara Bareilles, Love Song
35. Nelly, Grillz
34. Uncle Kracker, Drift Away
33. DHT feat. Edmee, Listen To Your Heart
32. Akon, Lonely
31. Daniel Powter, Bad Day

The Bottom 40 (Part 3 Part 2)

Every single week I find a handful new pop songs that both excite and delight my ears. But for every new song I like, there’s unfortunately at least three that I don’t, and some of those stinkers become quite popular and really very annoying over time. Here’s my list of the forty worst offenders of the decade. So as not to drive myself too crazy, I restricted the list to songs that made the top 40 on Billboard’s Hot 100 (which is not the same as the airplay chart, but which is easier to find by lazily browsing Wikipedia.) I also limited the list to one song per artist, because really, is there any point in weighing the cons and cons of each 3 Doors Down hit? No.

So, without further ado, part 3B of the list.  For readability I’m breaking this quarter of this list into two. The higher up we’re getting, the more we’re getting to the songs I really truly despise, and when talking about some of them it’s hard to keep the word count down.

The Bottom 40 (Part 3)

Every single week I find a handful new pop songs that both excite and delight my ears. But for every new song I like, there’s unfortunately at least three that I don’t, and some of those stinkers become quite popular and really very annoying over time. Here’s my list of the forty worst offenders of the decade. So as not to drive myself too crazy, I restricted the list to songs that made the top 40 on Billboard’s Hot 100 (which is not the same as the airplay chart, but which is easier to find by lazily browsing Wikipedia.) I also limited the list to one song per artist, because really, is there any point in weighing the cons and cons of each 3 Doors Down hit? No.

So, without further ado, part 3A of the list.  For readability I’m breaking this quarter of this list into two. The higher up we’re getting, the more we’re getting to the songs I really truly despise, and when talking about some of them it’s hard to keep the word count down.